Humor

[menzies]

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a policeman pulls him over. He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Apologies to any priests, policemen, or Jesus.

* * * *

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[menzies]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he has been sent to get tampons by his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he brings a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and places them on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, my wife was going to the store and I asked her to get me a carton of cigarettes. She came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, because it's so much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.


Apologies to any pharmacy assistants, cotton balls, string and tampons.

 

[Xsbank]

...

 

[Xsbank]

I just can't be trusted...

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

Merry Christmas

 

[O C Diver]

Cultures change. People grow up. Not everyone though.

Ted

 

[jimisbell]

I read the first post aboutthe preachers praching to a bear and it reminded me of one I heard when I first got to Alaska.


Guy is in a bar (seems like all good jokes start in a bar) and he is talking to the bartender about what it takes to be an Alaskan. The bartender says there are only two ways, be born there or pass the inauguration test. Guy asks what the test is and he is told


"only have to do three things. Drink a gallon of whisky, wrestle a bear and make love to an Eskimo woman." The guy orders the gallon of whisky and after drinking it, staggers out the door.


A week later he comes back in all covered with cuts and bruises. Looks like he was run over by a lawn mower,and announces to the crowd, "Now,where is that Eskimo woman I have to wrestle.??"

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

Hail, Caesar!

 

[janice142]

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[Waterford]

My wife said I was immature so I kicked her out of my fort.

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

This is wrong on so many levels that it made be laugh out loud.

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[menzies]

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[RT Firefly]

Amazing photography .....in first instance you will see three monkeys. If u look carefully, you will realise there are four monkeys ....two big monkey looking at each other & two small monkeys looking at each other.

 

[jimisbell]

A 90 year old man went to the dr complaining of his left leg hurting. Dr said, "you have to remember that you are 90 years old." Patient replied, "But, doc, my other leg is also 90 years old and it doesnt hurt !?"

 

[menzies]

1. I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

2. l find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

3. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

4. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

5. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

6. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

7. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

8. They say that money talks .. but all mine ever says is good-bye.

9. So you've put on a few pounds. You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

10. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

11. I have always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

12. I can't understand why women are OK that JC Penney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

13. Denny's has a slogan, "If it's your birthday, the meal is on us." If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

14. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

15. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

16. Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

17. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie, were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
This has got to be one of the best PSA's I've seen for a long time. Clear, concise and understandable for every southerner. The Crock Pot is a nice touch.

 

[Larry M]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

 

[Larry M]

...

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
Why can't marine chandlers offer this service/option?

 

[LaBomba]

Earings

Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices his co-worker iswearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

I always wondered how this trend got started.

 

[GFC]

Greetings,
Why can't marine chandlers offer this service/option?

Mr. RTF, my mechanic and I have this type of agreement. Price is never discussed outside his office. Works for me.

 

[BandB]

Mr. RTF, my mechanic and I have this type of agreement. Price is never discussed outside his office. Works for me.

Wifey B: Do you dudes really hide what you pay for things from your wife or is this just men talking? Just seems so silly to me.

 

[O C Diver]

Wifey B: Do you dudes really hide what you pay for things from your wife or is this just men talking? Just seems so silly to me.

There are some women who feel entitled to spend the same amount on something else. Husband buys a new lawnmower, wife feels entitled to spend an equal amount on something else. Thankfully I'm not married to one of those (buddy of mine is). If it's something specifically for me (a boat), I use my money. Wife wants a new car, she uses her money. We don't discuss price, and there is no approval needed. Everybody is happy and gets what they want.

Ted

 

[Art]

Wifey B: Do you dudes really hide what you pay for things from your wife or is this just men talking? Just seems so silly to me.

I hide nothing... unless absolutely should be done !! LOL

 

[North Baltic sea]

...

Yes Jack wisky is yam but it has 22 pieces of sugar 100ml converted into alcohol 40% it is more than cola

 

[North Baltic sea]

The Finnish world belongs to the humorous "kalsarikännit", have you tried it?

beery advent cristmas coundow 24 botles Different flavors xmas calender

Christmas gift tip, see that Christmas sock is spacious enough ...