Humor

[menzies]

A teacher fell asleep in class and little Johnny walked up to him,

Little Johnny: “teacher are you sleeping in class?”

Teacher: “No I am not sleeping in class.”

Little Johnny: “What were you doing sir?”

Teacher: “I was talking to God.”

The next day little Johnny fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him.

Teacher: “young man, you are sleeping in my class.”

Little Johnny: “No, not me sir, I am not sleeping.”

Angry teacher: “What were you doing?”

Little Johnny: “I was talking to God.”

Angry teacher: “What did he say?”

Little Johnny: “He said He never spoke to you yesterday.”

 

[menzies]

One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.

She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.

“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”

And that’s how modern woman was created.

 

[Art]

One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”

“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.

“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”

“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.

“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”

“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”

“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”

“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.

She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.

She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.

Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.

She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.

“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”

“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”

“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.

“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”

Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”

And that’s how modern woman was created.

Was it wikileaks that first broke that TS info??? :lol:

 

[menzies]

Irish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Ireland were
walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,'so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said,‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - well ye will be when the tide comes in.'

 

[Art]

Irish Compassion

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England, Wales and Ireland were
walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said, 'No,'so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said,‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - well ye will be when the tide comes in.'

This is supposed to be humor thread. That is NOT funny! Especially to an Irishman!!

 

[Datenight]

Funny to this Irishman!

Rob

 

[GFC]

This one too!

 

[menzies]

...and by the way, born and raised in Derry here.

 

[dwhatty]

Funny to this person of anglo saxon heritage, even if it puts me as the one on the beach.

 

[FlyWright]

To my Irish brethren.

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,

'Never mind, I found one.’

 

[Al]

...and by the way, born and raised in Derry here.

I knew it!!! Damn'ed if I didn't suspect- 100% Irish descent here And a happy St.Pat to you, disagreements aside:
Let me contribute a bit here:



A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he
ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them..

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

 

[GFC]

 

[Art]

I knew it!!! Damn'ed if I didn't suspect- 100% Irish descent here And a happy St.Pat to you, disagreements aside:
Let me contribute a bit here:



A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,
But they only know to say one thing'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house... As he
ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them..

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

That is funny, Al!

BTW folks... my short post on 1263 was sarcasm... notice the ROFl emoji! Don't take things too seriously!!

 

[Al]

That is funny, Al!

BTW folks... my short post on 1263 was sarcasm... notice the ROFl emoji! Don't take things too seriously!!

Never do Art, Life is too short and for myself, shorter.


Text to neighbor:
Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door. I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text and I can’t live with myself a minute longer without you knowing about this. The truth is that when you’re not around I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. In fact, probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently and I know that that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt and hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you. Regards, Richard

Neighbor’s response:

Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, grabbed his gun and shot Richard, killing him. He went back home and poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

Second text message:

Hi, Fred Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out and noticed that the damned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Regards, Richard

 

[menzies]

oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

Sharing that one.

 

[Al]

oooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh

Sharing that one.

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

One more for the Irish:

[FONT=georgia,serif]The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his bags "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.
[/FONT]


[FONT=georgia,serif]"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... And guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
[/FONT]


[FONT=georgia,serif]"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
[/FONT]


[FONT=georgia,serif]Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
[/FONT]


[FONT=georgia,serif]"Paddy, there I told you there must be a simple explanation. She never got your e-mail."[/FONT]

 

[menzies]

Paddy has had a few too many Guinness and needs to get up from the bar and head for the toilet. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“Paddy, what’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!

”I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

“Paddy, you idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

 

[Larry M]

..

 

[Art]

Larry - You hit the nail on the head with that joke!! TY

 

[Larry M]

Story of Adam & Eve's Dog

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us. "

And God said, "I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal and God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved, And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.

And the Cat . . .didn't give a **** one way or the other…….

 

[porman]

My cats approve.

 

[GFC]

Mine got board after the first couple of paragraphs and went to sleep.


My admiral asked Alexa how many hours a day a cat sleeps. Alexa's answer: 18


I think that may be on the low side.

 

[Moonstruck]

In my psychology 101 there was a discussion of cats sleeping. One of the students said that didn't apply to her cat because she seldom saw her sleeping. The professor said that your cat is obviously sleeping some where else.

In the same course we had a nurse completing some requirements for her 4 year degree. She was about 30ish and married. We were discussing the male sex drive. The professor said that the male sex drive peaked around age 22 then started declining. The married nurse raised her hand to ask a question. She asked what if the sex drive in the male doesn't decline after age 22. The professor said then madam I guess you have a stud on your hands. She then realized what she had done, and her face turned beet red.

That professor didn't let much get by him.

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

Truth!


"Before the internet, everyone was as batshit as now but thought most other ppl *weren't* batshit, so most acted as non-batshit as they could. Once we could all see how batshit everyone else was, we gave up the old charade & now aspire to maximum batshittery."

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[Art]

Your true nature [reverse] revealed!!?? LOL :lol:

Wanna changed your avatar? Can't think of two who are more alike than GM and Drac... although each sits on opposite ends of the scale - I think!

 

[BruceK]

At a local restaurant recently, I noticed all the servers had a spoon in their top pocket. I asked our waiter. He said they had the time and motion experts in, they found the most dropped cutlery item was a spoon,and it saved the time specially going to the kitchen and then back to the diner to provide a hygienic clean spoon.
Then I noticed the male servers all had a string hanging from their fly,and asked about that."It`s tied to my penis, the experts found we could save time by lifting it out, not touching ourselves, not having to wash our hands during a toilet visit". Puzzled, I said" I get that, but how do you put it back in your pants without touching yourself?" Said the waiter:" Can`t speak for others, but I use the spoon"

 

[FF]

My dog has a problem


Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says, "My dog has a problem."

The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."

"First you should know, he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk towards the door, then turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"





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The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,’ not Kvetch."





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