Humor

[Larry M]

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly. The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either.

 

[Xsbank]

Being a Home Depot affectionado, I thought that was funny. I'm going to have to hang out in the paint department more than I do now...oh wait, I didn't mean it that way...

 

[GFC]

Married 50 + years -Priceless! ..

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa-bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But hey I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. So I said to my wife "it seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great?

They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!

 

[dwhatty]

Can anyone guess the caller's hair color. (Er, sorry my dear! Something evil made me post it.)

 

[Art]

Can anyone guess the caller's hair color. (Er, sorry my dear! Something evil made me post it.)

Blue - She sounded old with blue hair! As I recall... living in Camden/Rockport towns decades ago... old blue haired women in Maine loved to play with peoples minds. Such as I HOPE was the case there!

Otherwise, obviously, blond...

 

[dwhatty]

As I recall... living in Camden/Rockport towns decades ago... old blue haired women in Maine loved to play with peoples minds.

They still do. Even after their own minds have departed. Then it gets really confusing for all involved.

 

[Art]

They still do. Even after their own minds have departed. Then it gets really confusing for all involved.

 

[BruceK]

Here`s the sage advice of Scottish comedian and raconteur, Billy Connolly:
"Before you judge a man,walk a mile in his shoes.
After that, who cares? He`s a mile away and you have his shoes!"

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
Ain't it the truth?

 

[Art]

Greetings,
Ain't it the truth?

And, if I may add:

Anything you invent at any age is the way it should be... everyone should buy at least one of your products.

 

[SUMMER2]

Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players ...

Lettuce, Whores and Hockey Players ...
A man in a Florida supermarket tried to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant told him that they sell only whole
heads of lettuce.
The man persisted and asked to see the manager.
The boy said he'd ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager: 'Some *******
wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right
behind
him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy
the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think
on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
‘Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
‘Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada.'
‘No ****?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?

 

[Rustybarge]

19 Irish Paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[Xsbank]

RT, you've done it again!

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

An oldie Christmas wish. This could go in OTDE, but I'd like to keep it light and just enjoy the humor.

To My Liberal Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or explicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2015 but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.

To My Conservative Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

​

 

[Moonstruck]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten overly-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so
he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
said......

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "

 

[Rustybarge]

Grandad is staying with grandaughter. At breakfast she asks him how he slept. "Well I had to get up to go to the toilet during the night but God looked after me, He turned the light on for me." "Oh no" she says to her hubby, "He's been pissing in the fridge again."

 

[Moonstruck]

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/em...=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321

 

[Art]

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/em...=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321

Don - I've got tears from laughing! - Thanks!

 

[BaltimoreLurker]

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/em...=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321

Alan Funt lives!

Hilarious.

 

[Rustybarge]

The eight Saddam 'body doubles' are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first. Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs." "And the bad news?" they ask. Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."

........................................

here was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level. Stuff that will make them scream, cry, and howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

..........................................

Philosophy Exam An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist." Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute. Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

.........................................

Power Of Words Lawyer: "Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me honestly? Did you steal the car?" Client: "After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t."

 

[Rustybarge]

"We have to go back, I've forgotten to bring my tablets."


"For ****'s sake Moses."

 

[BajaTrawler]

Johnny and Mary were 5 year old neighbors. One day while they were out playing in the yard, Johnny said to Mary "Mary, look what my dad got for me, a new catcher's mitt". Mary ran into her house and returned in a few minutes; "Johnny, look what my mom got me, a new doll".

The next day as they played together, Johnny said "look Mary, my mom got me a new baseball bat". Mary shrugged, ran into her house and returned with a pair of roller skates. "Look Johnny what my dad gave me".

By this time, Johnny was feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, in a desperate show of one-ups-man-ship, he dropped his pants down, pointed, and said "Mary, look what I've got!".

Mary, unperturbed, turned and ran to her house. She was inside for some time. Then, she came bursting out, the the screen door slamming, ran up to Johnny, dropped her pretty pink dress and underwear, and pointed down. "Johnny, I just talked to my mommy and she said to tell you that I don't have one of those, but I do have one of these (pointing), and with one of these, I can get all of those I want!".

 

[Art]

Johnny and Mary were 5 year old neighbors. One day while they were out playing in the yard, Johnny said to Mary "Mary, look what my dad got for me, a new catcher's mitt". Mary ran into her house and returned in a few minutes; "Johnny, look what my mom got me, a new doll".

The next day as they played together, Johnny said "look Mary, my mom got me a new baseball bat". Mary shrugged, ran into her house and returned with a pair of roller skates. "Look Johnny what my dad gave me".

By this time, Johnny was feeling a bit overwhelmed. So, in a desperate show of one-ups-man-ship, he dropped his pants down, pointed, and said "Mary, look what I've got!".

Mary, unperturbed, turned and ran to her house. She was inside for some time. Then, she came bursting out, the the screen door slamming, ran up to Johnny, dropped her pretty pink dress and underwear, and pointed down. "Johnny, I just talked to my mommy and she said to tell you that I don't have one of those, but I do have one of these (pointing), and with one of these, I can get all of those I want!".

And Johnny says... Heck Mary, that ain't so much. My older brother comes home with a different one of yours jus bout every week... cause he's got one like mine!

 

[Xsbank]

Here's one I liked

 

[Xsbank]

How about this one?

 

[dimer2]

 

[dimer2]

This is great, an era when the English really had class

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words.





A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."



"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."



- Walter Kerr






"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."



- Winston Churchill






I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow.






"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."-Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating.

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."



- Charles, Count Talleyrand.






"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.






"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"



- Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."



- Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather



than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912).






"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."



- Billy Wilder.



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho






"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."



-Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright.







"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."


- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.



"Cannot possibly attend first night,



will attend second ... if there is one."



- Winston Churchill, in response.







"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."


-Mark Twain.






"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde.






"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."




- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."



- Moses Hadas.










​

​

 

[FlyWright]

 

[rochepoint]

" Wife says I have two choices.......to be right or to be happy"