Humor

[FF]

This is the first time in history we can save the human race by lying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's not screw this up!!!


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* Hey creative community! Just a reminder that Shakespeare was quarantined for the plague when he wrote King Lear. No pressure!!!


* Also highly contagious is kindness, patience, love, enthusiasm, and a positive attitude. Don't wait to catch it from others...be the carrier!


* Keep perspective: A Make A Wish family had to cancel their plans, and they may not get another chance.


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* Definition of irony: gas under two dollars a gallon and no place to go...


* Home schooling going well – two students suspended for fighting, one teacher fired for drinking on the job!


* Maybe now society will realize we can make it without celebrities and professional sports... but we can't make it without farmers, grocery store clerks, utility workers, and health care workers!


* Your grandparents were called to war. You're being called to sit on your couch. You can do this!!


* April Fools Day is cancelled this year because no made-up prank could match the unbelievable going on in the world right now.


* With March and April cancelled, the next holiday is Cinco De Mayo -Â sponsored by Corona.


* Stay inside, isolate or practice social distancing, clean yourself... OMG, I've become a housecat!


* September morning 2050: John opened the last package of toilet paper bought by his parents in 2020.


* Since everyone has started washing their hands like we're supposed to, we'll be working on shapes and colors next week.


* If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 21-day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long before COVID-19.


* Due to panic buying, Walmart has opened register 3.


* What if you had corona-virus and lyme disease?


* The kid I hired to clean up the poop in the back yard just realized I don't have a dog...#OutOfToiletPaper


* Pro tip: if you get pulled over, just start coughing.


* All these kids who have been learning Common Core math are about to learn how to "Carry the One" from their new homeschool teachers.


* That moment when you're worried about the elderly and realize that you are the elderly...


* Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home and will send us instructions about what to do.

 

[O C Diver]

Ted

 

[Art]

6'6" tall, muscle bound, 300 plus pound disheveled and dirty looking robber flattens the double locked front door with an enormous fist punch...

Ties up husband then wife.

Screams - where is your vaseline?

Both husband and wife timidly say... in bathroom medicine cabinet.

Robber leans over and whispers in wife's ear... then he leaps toward bathroom.

Husband says to wife... I know it will be difficult dear... but... in best interest for us both - please do your very best to please him.

Husband then asks; what did he whisper??

Wife says, he wanted me to know he's gay!

Husband faints!!

 

[O C Diver]

Covid19 Observations:

Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on ‘Wheel of Fortune’. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

PSA: Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone

This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I came into my house, told my cat and we laughed a lot.

So, after this quarantine ... will the producers of ‘My 600 Pound Life’ just find me or do I find them?

Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year". I'm offended.

Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.


Ted

 

[Pap]

A man was in the recovery ward following surgery. While the nurse was checking on his chart he asked thru this oxygen mask: nurse, could you please see if my testicles are black. Surprised, the nurse said oh no sir the doctor will do that when he comes in. The man again urged her, please, this is important, can you please see if my testicles are black. The nurse again replied, I’m sorry sir, that’s not just something nurses do. Undeterred, the man pleaded, I really need to know can you see if my testicles are black. The nurse sighed, lifted his sheet and closely inspected the mans testicles. When done, the nurse reported, they look perfectly fine to me. The man pulled his oxygen mask down and said. Well thank you for that but listen carefully, can you please check to see if my test results are back.

 

[Northern Spy]

I never planned on giving up this much for Lent.

 

[Art]

I never planned on giving up this much for Lent.

Luckily... this time... We've been "lent" a chance for more years of life!

 

[bogranjac1]

Ha Ha Ha Ha.............very clever

 

[menzies]

Thus morning my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He thoroughly cleaned the floor, the countertops, all the cupboards.

Tomorrow I'm putting the cockroach in the bathroom!

 

[RT Firefly]

Greetings,
Mr. m. Eugenics at its best.

 

[syjos]

Greetings,
Mr. m. Eugenics at its best.

I agree.

 

[boathealer]

...

 

[Art]

I agree.

Look at your post # last three digits... 666

Superstition runs deep, paranoia follows! :lol:

 

[Art]

...

Have you a Natalie Bottomman??

 

[GFC]

Have you a Natalie Bottomman??

Now THAT is one I'd stay up late to see.

 

[Art]

Having quarantine party this Saturday!

None of you are invited!!

 

[Art]

- Total number of cookies allowed is not determined.

So far 29 is not enough!



- Grandson called me from our spare bedroom this morning


To let me know school bus didn't show up...

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[Xsbank]

RT, if you keep that up somebody will shoot you!

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[Art]

2020 - A very strange year:

February has 29 days

March felt like 100 days

April seems to have 3 years

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[RT Firefly]

Last one for tonight...

 

[O C Diver]

Ted

 

[Art]

Ben and Jerry's bought Zoom.

To hold a meeting... liter if ice cream will be delivered to your house; charged to your account.

What the heck... you weren't going out anyway!!

 

[GFC]

The quarantine has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “No” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides.

 

[O C Diver]

Ted

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[RT Firefly]

 

[O C Diver]

If you're home alone and think nobody cares, just miss a few payments.

Ted